edge. verge. brink.
Im right there.
not as in- im on the edge of a cliff. no.
as in, im on the edge of a MAJOR life event here. Im on the edge of figuring something out. I can feel it.
kind of like when you are 10 feet from your 8 month old as they are about to fall and smack their head on the tile. You are watching it happen, you are attempting to move. you are frozen. but you are absorbing every. single. second.
absorbing it in a way that would allow you draw a frame by frame by memory alone.
one hundred thoughts fly threw your brain and your catching snippets of each.
"shoulda been closer if you only..."
"damn desert and tile being...."
"why is she growing...."
"please dont fall near that, oh no.."
"stoopid me and this juicer..."
"that apple is the reason..."
and so on....
i feel that way today. all. day.
Im hearing my words as if i were my own 3 and a half year wise child.
i see the hope in her eyes as she brings me a picture to make me feel better.
I snapped at her today.
because she didnt want to go to the park.
why on earth would anyone try to FORCE a child to the park.
why am i standing here trying to pretend i know her needs & desires anymore than she does?
she has built herself a car out of an old wooden rocking chair & three croquet bats. she is content to stay here and drink the lemonade I made this morning.
"but i made plans."
"but i said we would"
"I have cancelled too many times this month"
"i"
"i"
"i"
and then i see it. from her side.
I have three hundred crafts waiting for me.
three novels begging to be read.
laundry to be put away.
why am I rushing about?
soon enough, the heat will return to the desert.
the sun will beat relentlessly down upon our bodies and send us running from a/c to a/c.... trying not to let our flip flops melt on the 250 degree asphalt.
Why am I worried about anything at all?
today is perfect. 77 degrees.
sunny.
we have three jars of lemonade in the fridge... with lavender, rose hips, hibiscus and nettles.
im seeing this all
its all making sense.
My child is my teacher.
Ive been a horrible student.
"
3 comments:
Ah, I know this song.
Been singin' it myself these last couple of weeks - off and on.
Not the verge part, though.
Still... there's something....
something about laughing at it and not taking myself so seriously and starting anew in each moment. (after apologies and "I could have handled it this way...")
Don't know why or how I can know the (love) rules, and still not have it all fall out of my mouth the way I want it to.
But I'll try to be forgiving, and not angry about it.
I s'pose.
ouh, jen... i wish i was as aware as you are.
you're wonderful!
12:40 am. Shoulda gone to bed long ago. Just one more entry. I don't remember this one. I don't remember this one. Page down through the recipes. Look how sweet. I love them. This post. Stopped me. Especially the part about being on the verge. You weren't pregnant yet! To be witness to the flow is the glow, it's the blessing.
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