i am afraid of ticks.
like- paranoia to the extreme- afraid of ticks.
like my children yell "ticks!!!!!!!' if they see overgrown grass near a hiking trail.
and we douse ourselves in geranium oil before hikes.
a while back, my good friend julia and her fan were walking through the fields with us and her husband ran into this overgrown grassy field and i said "what if he gets a tick!"
julia said " um, he will have a tick. and we will remove it. and it'll have just been a tick" and she kind of laughed.
i thought "but its a tick!"
i have been realizing- these past few years- that i let a lot of fear guide me. and in turn.... i think i have been pulling all these random worst case scenarios to me doorstep.
the universe keeps saying "it just it! and "you survived!"
so- I'm proud to report- that i think my battles with food and the fear of food and malnourishment are easing up.
i think i may be turning a corner.
up until last year, i used to lay awake at night worrying about the kids and nutrition.
I would think up all these elaborate ways to sneak healthy food into their bodies. I would puree oatmeal with
chocolate and spinach and spirulina
and call it pudding with whipped cashew cream on top. which was fine...
except i was lying and they were still not fooled.
they would take a couple bites and say "this is delicious mama! next time can we have real pudding?"
Last year, our diets were so restrictive, that it was comical. I recently decided that except for gluten- which was an obvious trigger for everyone- i was letting go.
however-
the kids had developed this permanent runny nose thing. and i thought- "they eat a lot of cheese".
but i was afraid that i would turn it into a "thing"...
so i have been avoiding dairy if possible- without really saying anything- i just started offering really new and exciting things without lying. and, for the most part... the runny noses cleared up.
[insert opportunity for fro-yo]
Keira filled her bowl of to the TOP.
I thought "i should have her put some of that in a to-go bowl"....
but my lesson of the year [of the decade] is about NOT trying to control them, and encouraging them to
Learn THEIR own Boundaries.
So, i said nothing-
we sat to eat.
she finished it.
And shivered for a long time.
And then, an hour
Later....
she said "I think I'll NEVER try to eat that much froyo again!!!! I almost just puked!"
A few things strike me about that:
1. She wasn't worried about hearing "I told you so"- because I never told her not to.
2. She went ahead and learned a valuable lesson without coercion or manipulation.... and without any real desire for me to prove her wrong. AND, though i was concerned about her getting sick..... I really didn't want her to learn any lesson. i never WANT her to pay a price for having fun. in fact, i would have been jealous that she could put down a bowl of fro-yo that size and NOT get sick.
3. We didn't have to set up some weird dynamic and/or struggle where she has to beg for some silly thing such as milk with loads of probiotics and protein and calcium.... and i didn't have to sit there worrying the entire time about the sugar content and the casein and the eczema that would ensue.
The next day she went on to eat grass fed organic meat and freshly made organic kale chips....
and she drank a vegan greens smoothie.... and i didn't have to force any of it.
she is learning to like food that she likes. and she can eat a sugary cookie with frosting on top and turn around and ask for raw kelp noodles.
and she MIGHT JUST GET ECZEMA!
and she might puke, or get another rash.
and she might trip and fall tomorrow and sprain an ankle, or get a bruise, or catch a cold.
and life will continue on and we will just keep living it.
I control NOTHING in life, except my actions and reactions.
there is no expect the unexpected.
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