Raising. Lovies.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

one last self indulgent post, AND THEN.... ill do some housework.

so sunday, was full of awesome.

starting at 3pm, i did thing after thing that i was fearful of.

i left my children! (for, like, almost 3 hours!!!!)

i paddleboarded!

i hooped on that board (in the water!!!! on a board!!!!)

then i went to a party on the beach full of people i didnt really know!

then i fire hooped.

and i fell.

and i will tell you now, that i was terrified. all day. all. damn. day.

i had broken out with a few hives before even leaving the house.

I went into autopilot when i left the kids. I was shaking, but i couldnt back out. I was choosing this day as THE day to take a plunge into LIFE.

to stop being a hermit.

to start trying to play with adults and not ONLY children.

so as the instructor started talking, i was dizzy, i thought i might puke.

"what if i fell in!?!"

"what if i look like an idiot?!"

"what if i cant do this?!"

"what if i am too fat?"

"what if i cant balance?!"

then i get on the board.

and i stand up.

and im okay.

and just like at the waterpark- when i ran around in a bathing suit all day without feeling self-concious- i worked and worked on my mind to stay calm and in the moment.

to quit telling me that i wasnt good enough.

to stop looking at all the bathing suit models i was with.

to stop comparing myself.

and i dont fall off the board.

and i like what im doing.

and im not afraid for my children.

and i barely care at all that i have left them because they are with their dad and im on a PADDLEBOARD!

and i feel alright.

and i feel good enough to hoop on that board and play around, and do some yoga poses and really FIND my balance.

and BALANCE is the theme of my life right now.....

so i coast on that adrenaline right up until the bonfire at the beach starts.

i dont feel brave anymore, i keep falling in the sand when i try and hoop becasue its really loose sand and because i am also quite clutzy.

I havent ever really hooped amongst hoopers before. especially not ones i didnt know.

I feel awkward and nervous. nervous that ill lose my kids, or that i am not being social enough, or that i am saying the wrong things. i feel like im not part of the group, that i shouldnt even BE here.

and then i kind of just get exhausted at being anxious. and then i get mad that i worry so much.

then i start to realize that i am only brave when i am alone. and i get sad.

so as the night winds down- shannon- the most fabulous newly 40 year young woman anywhere in the world- fire hoops for the first time.

she rocks it like a boss.

and she looks beautiful and graceful.

and i fill with joy for her.

and i clap and i hollar and i am in awe of her.

but, when its my turn- i have successfully convinced everyone that i am too tired to try.

and i was very tired. my legs were tooo tired.

but my boy is clingy and tired in my arms and we all kinda want to go home.

well, brianna looks me in the eyes and says "when will you have this opportunity again?!"

and what she is really saying with her eyes is "buck up bitch- get in the hoop." or at least thats what i see.

im not seeing an option to flake out.

i consider running.

but i have too much stuff.

so i hand over my now screaming child and i pick up the hoop, and i spin.

all i can hear is blazing fire whizzing past my head and cedric SCREAMING HIS HEAD OFF.

and i start to worry about cedric and to yell "this was a horrible idea you idiot" in my head.

and then i fall.

and i am mortified (and thrilled because, in truth, i love falling. it reminds me of being a kid and silly and i just find it hilarious.)

but soooooo mortified becasue every SAW.

and i still hear cedric screaming. and my whole body wants to run somewhere and cry.

and my pants keep falling down and i feel soooo bloated and gross.

and then i think. "when am i going to get this opportunity again?" and i see briannas stern mama face.

and i force myself back on my feet and back in the hoop. and i stop trying to look graceful and i just start trying to enjoy spinning fire around me.

because, honestly- the only ONLY reason i ever wanted to hoop was to be able to set it on fire.

i love fire. i love watching fire dancers, and i have always always wanted to BE one.

so even though i dropped it a couple times, and contemplated stopping because my mama guilt was overloading my abilities to focus.

i kept going.

and when i stopped, and looked at the crowd of strangers clapping for me.....

i wanted to vomit.

i let people see me that night.

and in order to do what i had DREAMED of doing, i had to disengage my self worth from their exceptance of -and/or reaction to- ME.

i had to just be me.

becasue you dont have time to worry about your crazy hair or your too large forehead or your hairy armpits or your damaged and loose muscles in your post 3 kid belly because of your diastasis that makes you look 3 months pregnant....

you are spinning FIRE around your body.

and for that next 3+ minutes- i actually couldnt hear ANY VOICES in my head at all.

but i did hear one voice rise up from the crowd-

keira's.

she was yelling "thats my MAMA! thats my MAMA!!! SHE IS SO COOL!"

and i felt better.

its strange...

i have taught my kids- and i preach to my kids-

"who CARES what people think of you?! there will laways always be people that will judge you or not like you or think you are weird! always! so just nevermind what anyone thinks of you and just BE YOU."

and, for the most part- i appear brave to them. i will throw myself into an awkward situation in a heartbeat to prove to my kids that they are perfect.

and when i was just talking to a friend that was afraid of something- i heard her words saying her programming outloud. in her moment of panic- her inner voices were being let out and it made me angry. because she is perfect and those words were not hers- and she didnt need to own them anymore because she was PERFECT.

but i also carry with me 31 years of programming that tells me im dumb, lazy, fat, and embarassing.

and when i am most afraid, those voices come out dressed up in my voice.

they play like my favourite song that i dont need to even hear to feel its beat and know the chorus.

and its takes the weight of an elephant* to beat it all down.

so this moment is being shared to remind all of us-

it isnt what we preach.

it isnt even what we do.

it m ost certainly isnt always what we say.

its whats inside.

its how we FEEL.

and if you dont FEEL good, right, perfect, smart, beautiful, funny, secure, happy, etc etc-

what are you flowing out of your pores?

so lets all agree to stop.

stop AND THEN-ING
["let me get to my goal weight/shape *and then* i will be happy, secure, outgoing, joyful." or "i need to move away from HERE *and then* ill make friends." or "i need to get a different job *and then* ill be confident" or "maybe i will become a buddhist and then i will feel better about myself" or or or ]

so right this second- everyone take a big old breath and lets just all be perfect now. how we are.

and FEEL that way.

or try.

*and this my friends is also my story of the elephant. and why i am obsessed. I was called the "elephant man" by my siblings. they made fun of my forehead and teased me and told me horrible things about myself. so someone, somewhere, in high school (i dont remember who, im bad with that- if it was you- remind me) so some one that loved me said "thats silly, elephants are beautiful, and loyal, and smart. and you know who an elephant is afraid of? no one."

ever since that is always in my head. and when i am nervous or scared. i imagine myself as big and brave as an elephant.

so as the universe would have it.

guess what present brianna gave me on sunday?

briannas gift

(and sorry about the link and not just posting the pic here- my internet is too slow for all that)

Monday, July 30, 2012

8 years contains expletives

happy anniversary jared.

i was going to just write your standard “happy anniversary! heres to 8years married and many more to come!”

but i didnt think that was fair.

2012 has not been a friendly year to marriages.

in the news, in my circle, in my general knowledge, in my own home- its been good to okay to mediocre to down right awful to divorces and splits and affairs and and and.

so in light of how G*D DAMNED HARD 2012 has been, and its only been 2012 for 7 months....i thought my husband deserved more than some one stop shop of congratulatory loving.

he deserved PUBLIC HONORING- but im not sooooo good at being "honorable"... here goes my best......

now, anyone that knows me, knows that i am **not** a “stay together for the kids” type person.

i often say things like

“life is tooo short to be miserable everyday”

“you have to honor yourself and your needs”

and

“there is someone for everyone, if you are both unhappy- free each other up to find their someone”

"you must not know bout me, you must not know bout me......" [beyonce]

so theres that.

I lay no judgment whatsoever on you or yours or what ever choices you make or dont.

I have no dog in that race, i have no horse or cat or monkey in it either.... so really, let me just stop repeating awkward and corny quotes to prove to you how much this isnt about anything anyone does.

This here is about jared and I.

When I cheated on jared, i was so ashamed, and so confused and sad and depressed, i kinda just wanted it all over. for him to hate me and leave me.

isnt that the way to end a relationship? isnt that what everyone says “i can forgive anything so long as you arent cheating on me”?!

well, except i really missed my husband. i really wanted to stay married.... maybe.

honestly, we had only been married a little under two years and i really didnt know what i wanted or needed.

i thought i wanted someone who

“gets me”

“makes me laugh”

“is INTERESTED in what I am INTERESTED in”

“is exciting”

But one night i said “i just want us to be able to look at each other the way we used to, and now i have ruined it and you will never love me the same way again”

jared looked at me and said

“you are right, i wont ever love you that way again, that way was new and exciting but its wasnt THIS. THIS is real. i will love you MORE. I will look at you with a different respect because we fought next to each other for US and we will make it through and KNOW that if we made it through the one unthinkable thing- we can do anything. we will be invincible.”

truth is, anyone can be exciting and new.

anyone can be interested in you when they arent listening to you fart & snore at 3 am. ( or all fucking night long)

or wiping up your puke as you profess undying love after a long night at the pub.

or when they dont have to wake up and find that you didnt take the trash out AGAIN. every day for a month.

or when they dont have to worry about your bills, or your spending habis.... or your health......

i cant remember the person who said it, so help me out if you know this one, but jared says it allllll the time.

“the trick isnt being in love all the damned time. its making sure you dont BOTH fall out of love at the SAME TIME”

because lord knows jared and I didnt get to this point by being awesome partners.

he is NOT the most perfect human ever.

and I keep perfection at a healthy healthy HEALTHY distance.

we are so imperfect, in fact, that i could fill ten more pages about how much i probably suck as a wife, and even more (or less) about jared.... depending on the day, though, i could also sing us both a ton of mostly true, slightly exaggerated praises....

But that doesnt matter.

truth is- none of any of it matters.

he is my parnter in crime and combat.

we’ve been through the trenches.

ive carried him, he has carried me.

we have brawled. danced. hooped together.

we have sang van morrison, NOFX and the cure together.

he held me as i went all zen and goddess and birthed olive into a pool of water in our kitchen, and again during cedrics birth, when i spewed bodily fluids & screamed like a 220pound banshee and shot my placenta into the mirror.

we have made it through infidelity, the NAVY, job loss, suspended unemployment, selling his childhood home. living out of hotels and our minivan.

go pro (so far)

he held me when my best friend died suddenly in a car accident.

i held him when his beloved grandmother passed away.

we have rushed to the emergency room together with our bleeding kid.

we have stayed up until sunrise with friends on the worst nights of their lives.

we have held hands and kissed at the weddings of people who had no idea what they were getting into.

we have broken down on the side of the road. literally and figuratively.

we have screamed at each other as pipes were breaking and water was spraying all over our home. then we laughed as we mopped it up together. (or as he mopped and i chugged wine.)

we have gambled and lost and gambled and won.

the thing is, when i think of all the things we have done this past 8 years.... i just cant think of another person in the whole wide world that i want to do the next 8 years with.

there is something that this therapist we went to made us do.

i think it changed our course in this journey together.

and so on this momentous day, i will share it with you.

First, she said “there is no such thing as a knight in shining armor. there is no such thing as the perfect woman. when you feel like you hate each other, or that you cannot stand each other. sit across from them, knees touching, hold each others hands, and look each other in the eyes. because its hard to say hurtful things to each other when you are touching.”

it sounded sooooooooooooo cheesy.

but she made us do it, and when our knees touched, i was like “yeah stupidest thing EVERRRRR” and when he grabbed my hands i was like “awkward and lame” but when we sat there, touching and holding hands and staring into each others eyes. I saw my someone. the same someone i found in a bar. the same someone i married in vegas with elvis. the same someone i moved cross country for.

Right there where i had left him.

I still see you jared thomas inchiostro.

i see you and i am soooooo thankful for your love.

i think instead of “til death do us part” we should say “no one left behind”

cuz this marriage shit is the craziest fucking thing i have ever done.

Every day sets a new record and the only easy day was yesterday!

Monday, July 23, 2012

Mr. Bradbury.

i just finished re-reading Fahrenheit 451. I was against rereading anymore books this year because i felt that my nostalgia had gotten away from me. I wanted to explore NEW things. LIke “Wicked’ the book i purchased 3 years ago and never read. Or “The red tent” another book i purchased as required reading for being part of the home birth circuit.... but never read.

but there was something about Ray Bradbury and his words that i needed more of. When he passed away i read chapters from all of his books i own and wrote the quotes on the chalkboard and discussed them with my kids.

so i picked Fahrenheit 451.

it took me a couple days, and i laughed and cried and did the usual bradbury reading thing and stopped and read aloud to the family his beautiful poetic words. But when i put the book down THIS time, i was struck by how differently it felt to me.

in middle school, if my memory serves, i read Fahrenheit 451 directly after reading steinbecks “The Pearl”. The seeming juxtaposition of a bunch of privileged white people giving up on books seemed to pale in comparison to the battle for survival of an indigenous people against the deceitful white man.

i thought, oh what big problems you have MONTAG! you burn books and get to watch huge tvs all day and drive as fast as you want!

then a few years later, i read Brave New World and i thought, “hmmm, this feels kind of like fahrenheit 451 kinda... but it seemed way more depressing and hopeless and also more futuristic and being all sorts of emo, i liked it. I wouldnt realize ITS importantance culturally or politcially until i reread it as a coffee house intellectual..... but thats another story for another time...

So then came the day in 9th grade when my english lit teacher was trying to teach us all about descriptive narratives and their place in american writing. She lamented on how the modern writer was relying less and less on conjuring an image with poetry that moved people and more and more on just skipping to the one, two punch.

SO she asked us all to lay our heads down in silence from the hours of 9:30 -10:25, her hours of control over us, and she was going to read to us. She was not going to give us an authors name or a title, she was just going to read. We were not to look anything up about the book- although this was all pre internet.... none of us had iphones or any kind of ability to google. we would have had to go to the library and dewey decimal it out like a boss and that would take hours.

so anyway, the first day we all felt silly and so she had us do an exercise where we laid our heads on our desks and listened to a random string of words, and then write what we thought about when she read, she told us to trust each other. she told us not to worrry about what our friend across the room was doing or if anyone was looking at us or picking their noses or if our hair looked ok. She promised to call out anyone cheating so none of us would feel compromised.

We learned trust.

Then, the next day we bowed our heads as believers in a church and she began to read.

everyday she would read and everyday we fell further down the rabbit hole.

The classmates and I would enter the room with an anticipatory rush that no one wanted to admit to or recognize but as soon as she followed behind us and shut the door everyone bowed again.

NO one was admitting that we were daydreaming about these astronauts and this far away world. NO one was admitting that our dreams were full of martian skin and oven hot temperatures, love in the afternoon and mystical unimaginable worlds. NO one was admitting anything.

then she did it to us. the last day. the last words. we all felt the sadness of the end of the magic that had happened in that room. We all felt the weird sense of loss of something none of us ever even knew we had.

and then she asked us to do one thing - IF WE WANTED- and only if we wanted.

she said, “if that story moved you, go home, and write down WHY. write down what you imagined. what you FELT. and if you want to, tell me about it. and if you want to, share it with us.”

that was on a friday.

Now if i told you that i went home and jotted down a long list of everything i felt, i would be a liar.

I went home and stared at my notebook called ENGLISH like it was a grinning terrorist thief cloaked in lined paper, come to detonate my soul in the night.

i laughed at how RIDICULOUS THIS ASSIGNMENT WAS!~~

what kind of an assignment is “optional”?

she was crazy. i wasnt doing it. no one would. and then I would look stupid.

and I went to bed friday.

and saturday.

and sunday.

and then i woke up on Monday morning at 5 am sweating and shaking and nervous and i sat down at my desk and cried and wrote two paragraphs of the meaning of the word MARTIAN and the world Mr Bradbury gave me.

I walked into class and i saw it.

the room full of people pretending they hadnt written anything.

our teacher asked who wrote.

no one responded.

“no one wrote anything?” she asked with one eyebrow up.

Everyone shuffled in their seats trying to look as though they werent nervous and were simply looking for a pen they misplaced. but everyone of the jittering bodies was secretly saying a prayer that she wasnt some sort of mystical dragon rider with the abilities to ferret out a liar writer with hidden scrolls in their satchels.... (or maybe that was just me....)

Then one kid, the kinda of kid that was always joking. Heavy set, big blue eyes, football star with a winning smile adn a mean father that everyone knew beat him with fists for not being born a little taller but that he would never admit to any of it because he was being groomed to be a man......

well, that one kid raised his hand and said “ i wrote”

and then before anyone had time to sew up their faulty jawed mouths he followed it with, “id like to share it”.

he stood up there and i cannot tell you for the life of me what he said. Any version of it that my mind could write15 or more years later would bastardize it, im sure.

but i remember crying.

i remember pulling out my piece of paper and walking to the front to read it aloud.

i remember the whole damned class read something.

and one kid in back got up and admitting that he hadnt ACTUALLY written anything, he had thought about it, and he wanted to just TELL us what he felt.

and we left that day and we came back tuesday and the whole ride was over.

Our teacher went on to be quite good, thought never THAT good as THAT day.... but we all learned more stuff that i still dont know if i remember and we got to do some acting and role playing when we read a story that was racist and she wanted all of us white kids to be screamed at by black kids and then we had a substitute teacher come in when she had to take a week off as punishment for that little exercise.... but we had LEARNED.

So as i read Fahrenheit 451, i was reminded of all the words Mr. Bradbury gave me and I remembered all the worlds he gave me and i saw how similar our world IS NOW to his fantasy world and i got chills and i got nauseous and i got scared.

and then after the book he had written a little bit about how, over the past 50years he and THIS book have been censored and i was nodding and agreeing and feeling angry.

Then following that, there was an interview With Ray Bradbury.

the whole interview is poignant and i encourage you to read it for yourself.

I saw Ray Bradbury speak at comicon in san diego back in 2004- dont laugh, i was there with a friend, i had no idea that Ray Bradbury or Brian Froud would both be there and that I would leave shaking and crying and with signatures of my idols or that i would ever admit this to anyone......

but back to the interview-

One part that stood out was when asked what can a teacher, educator, and parent should do to instill a love of language in young people so that they appreciate the power of the word in a culture that is increasingly dominated by the visual?

his answer was:

“Hand them a book, thats all. Science fiction, fantasy- my books have changed a lot of lives. My books are full of images and metaphors, but theyre connected to intellectual concepts. Give one to a twelve year old boy who doesnt like to read, and that boy will fall in love and start to read.”

well, better yet, id say..... read it to them.

and somewhere in some parallel universe, in some anywhere midwestern town, and maybe on some random night after the first deep chill of a dark november night that freezes his bones, maybe i suppose Mr. Bradbury goes for a stroll...

and then i imagine that one day, when i am walking through a nearby midwestern town i might bump into him, and maybe we will engage in some nonchalant conversation about dandelions and true love, and maybe Mr Bradbury and i will go down into the cellar and stroll the miles and miles of bottles on the shelves and we will stop in front of one that reads “1995- english class-Redford, MI” and we will laugh at the simple things and crack it open and drink the words of the souls found that day in some broken down school in a broken down town. it will Linger on our lips, bittersweet and leave an aching in our hearts for greener grass......fluffy clouds...... and fireflies.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

waste

So I had a moment with Keira and I gotta share.

I was dumping our RV waste tanks and she was said, "mama this is DISGUSTING!" and immediately took off running back to the rv.

I thought to myself, "haha. my own child is disconnected from the workings of life, too." I went into thinking about when i would talk to her about societies all over the world that deal with waste, and even reuse waste and and and.

Then two seconds later she ran back with a short sleeved shirt and rubber gloves on.

I said "what are you doing?"

she said "helping. This I too gross for you to do alone."

seems i can save my speech.

<3

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Picnic at the Lagoon....

our good friends in Foster City moved away on monday. So we got together with them at the park for a picnic and play date. The kids performed hoop tricks on stage and then played in the mini forest.

i got pretty sunburned and laughed hard enough and often enough that i sobbed a few times realizing how much i am going to miss my friend.

then, on monday, before going to give the friends a hug before send off, we went to the library.

there movies are 7 day rentals... so we had to rush back a huge stack and pick up more POKEMON. Which the kids are obssessed with at the moment

every time we have gone, the kids have found some part of the science exhibit that fascinates them. this time, i got sucked in to this micro life part. :D

keira put on a puppet show for everyone...

cedric took us out to sea

then the official send off. :( keira walked past the old playroom and said "its so empty, we had so many good times in there" i lost it. moving and losing the closeness of friendships is so hard for me.

these crazy silly kids will really miss each other.

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happy family night

the campgrounds held a little music festival. Jared had to work all day, literally, from 5 am until 11pm. so we hung out by the RV and hooped and played in the mud.

after it got dark i set up the light and theycontinued to play "construction site"....

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Monday, June 18, 2012

cannot catch up!

i am admitting defeat. I will probably never catch up on alllllll that has gone on since march! so im just moving forward~!

maybe i will do a flashback friday every week to catch up on lost fun stuff we did- since the WHOLE point of this blog is to have the kids be able to look back on so much of what they did as smallings. :D

but hopefully I will be posting more now that the internet is gracing us with slightly more consistency?

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

golden gate park March 2012

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dolphin embryo

this sparked hours and hours of discussion about dophins, evolution, and why an animal mught choose to shun the land and head for the sea :P

see more info here: http://www.environmentalgraffiti.com/news-6-badass-facts-you-never-knew-about-dolphins?image=2