When I am sick...

We read a lot of Wikipedia.....



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

the beautiful coast

there are many things that can be said about the stretch of coast we live on....


ugly is NOT one of them.... this is cedric and i on a morning walk with the dogs...





- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Tidepool Beach

sand angels...


climbing on the coolest rocks ever...


finding treasures...













- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

sings of fall....

the kids requesting hot tea and hot cocoa instead of root beer floats....


pumpkins.....



peas

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

random cozy day

some days on the coast, it is chilly and gray and no one feels like going out to play....


this is a typical way we spend those days....


keira draws up story boards for a performance and teaches the littles their parts....





cedric makes masks or paintings....



we watch a movie.....

they make a fort or bed in some really random place and we eat popcorn....



and then they take naps and i notice they have been tattooed...

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

blocks and fiddlestix

when i say everyday- i mean it.


they dont stop.


i often think- we could survive in an isolation cube for years if we had craft supplies, fiddlestix and wooden blocks.


simple. soooooo simple.


their fancy expensive toys get pulled out weekly.... for sure...


but these basics continue to stimulate all three ages and stages for hours each day.

These pictures are from yesterday, and as i type this- they are spread out on the floor- drawing- in a circle of wooden blocks.....






and this was my most precious mama moment of the day- olive wanted to snuggle... and she grabbed on and passed OUT. she held to me like this as she slept for and hour straight. i finally had to readjust my arm as it was getting a cramp... but i cherished every nano second of it.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

what an everyday is lately...

campground playgrounds



crafts, tea and snacks....


fiddlestix.... they LOVE the fiddlestix


more drawing. always more drawing. send paper. its like gold here. i saw clearance paper at target and bought an entire bin. we recycle- we reuse- we build fire starter boxes... it never goes to waste. we are very careful.


send paper- even your used paper- we can use it. :)

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

the baby. the dude.

he is my little man.

he plays fairies and dragons and dollhouse, he has a baby doll that he fiercly wears in a sling and backpack and he is also the chief engineer of all things construction.

he will sit and listen to any book- from novels im reading aloud to the girls or to construction and dinosaur themed board books.


he reads to himself if we are all busy.


he sings the theme songs to his favourite shows- and its heart melting.





and he is pretty much in endless hopeless love with his sisters.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

my middle

olive turned 4 in the spring.

she is inquisitive, sensitive, snuggly, loving, determined, STRONG, 2,000 steps ahead of you always, emotional, and seriously brilliant.



she is always on a mission. of her own. and you are lucky as hell if she asks you to join. and you always say yes. :)

he current loves are pokemon, my little ponies, magic pony carousel books, being a ballerina, wearing tutus and rain boots, singing, and hula hooping.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

eldest

Keira turned 7 this summer. She is exactly everything i thought and also exactly so much i couldnt have imagined. She grows more and more independent by the moment.




she is a free spirit, and artist, a writer, a producer and director. She is obsessed with all things ancient egypt and pokemon. She has a collection of littlest pet shops and squinkies that you wouldnt believe and she is my best friend. We hang out more than most BFFs i know. and its perfect.


this is a beeswax painting we made the other night- all from her imagination and curiosity- i did NO leading with this.



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

the calm home

i have known for a very long time, that i need things to be organized to have a sense of peace about the day.


the one thing that has continuously tripped me up since becoming a mother, has been writing/drawing utensils....


they.



go.



everywhere.


a child cannot, seemingly, pick through a container- they need to dump it.



so, now, i bring you- jens sanity saver.


this clearance bucket

for only $3- its heavy enough to not be easily or accidentaly knocked over. and- the colored pencils, markers and pens are stood on end so they can see what they need. The crayons are in a big enough portion to be knocked around and sorted through.


and they still pull a bunch of stuff out and it ends up on the floor- but having a neatly organized home for all things makes clean up a 5minute or less thing.

best idea i have ever had.



I have said before- we are living in a serious nature immersion program. :) every morning, while walking the dogs- there are footprints and acorns and pinecones and leaves and flowers and horses and ocean waves crashing. Its also right next to a protected snowy plover (look it up- so interesting) nesting site- so the BIRDS! there are SO. MANY. BIRDS to watch.

we always end up bringing something home to examine.

these are keiras finds for her nature journal.



before and after.



and then, of course, the 100% humidity and mist makes for easy digging....


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

around the home...

we have had quite the creative bug nipping at us lately...



Ive been knitting up things with the last of my yarn stash....



the kids have all been drawing, coloring, painting little elves....


and perfect yoginis....

and hula hoopers.....



cedric is the gluing champion. any craft involving glue and he will take it to the next level...

we are living in a little dream like place right near the ocean... surrounded by forests and deer, cougars, skunks, raccoons.... the kids love being outside- during the day :)






seriously, doesnt he look like a little architect here?

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Let's pretend this was posted last week :)

Let's pretend that I've been posting all along!

I'll never catch up!

So I'm just starting anew!

Yesterday, we celebrated "Not Back to School Day!"

For the past month, every commercial is "back to school!" this and "back to school" that.

So we decided to hit the sales and enjoy the empty places!

We went to office depot and picked up craft supplies, went to target and shopped the clearance back to school section, we went to the library and TWO parks, michaels- where there were huge $2 grab bags- and then came home and watches Harry Potter!!!


Good day!
















- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

one last self indulgent post, AND THEN.... ill do some housework.

so sunday, was full of awesome.


starting at 3pm, i did thing after thing that i was fearful of.


i left my children! (for, like, almost 3 hours!!!!)

i paddleboarded!

i hooped on that board (in the water!!!! on a board!!!!)

then i went to a party on the beach full of people i didnt really know!

then i fire hooped.


and i fell.

and i will tell you now, that i was terrified. all day. all. damn. day.


i had broken out with a few hives before even leaving the house.

I went into autopilot when i left the kids. I was shaking, but i couldnt back out. I was choosing this day as THE day to take a plunge into LIFE.


to stop being a hermit.

to start trying to play with adults and not ONLY children.

so as the instructor started talking, i was dizzy, i thought i might puke.


"what if i fell in!?!"

"what if i look like an idiot?!"

"what if i cant do this?!"

"what if i am too fat?"

"what if i cant balance?!"

then i get on the board.

and i stand up.


and im okay.

and just like at the waterpark- when i ran around in a bathing suit all day without feeling self-concious- i worked and worked on my mind to stay calm and in the moment.

to quit telling me that i wasnt good enough.

to stop looking at all the bathing suit models i was with.

to stop comparing myself.


and i dont fall off the board.


and i like what im doing.

and im not afraid for my children.

and i barely care at all that i have left them because they are with their dad and im on a PADDLEBOARD!

and i feel alright.

and i feel good enough to hoop on that board and play around, and do some yoga poses and really FIND my balance.


and BALANCE is the theme of my life right now.....

so i coast on that adrenaline right up until the bonfire at the beach starts.

i dont feel brave anymore, i keep falling in the sand when i try and hoop becasue its really loose sand and because i am also quite clutzy.

I havent ever really hooped amongst hoopers before. especially not ones i didnt know.

I feel awkward and nervous. nervous that ill lose my kids, or that i am not being social enough, or that i am saying the wrong things. i feel like im not part of the group, that i shouldnt even BE here.

and then i kind of just get exhausted at being anxious. and then i get mad that i worry so much.

then i start to realize that i am only brave when i am alone. and i get sad.

so as the night winds down- shannon- the most fabulous newly 40 year young woman anywhere in the world- fire hoops for the first time.

she rocks it like a boss.

and she looks beautiful and graceful.

and i fill with joy for her.

and i clap and i hollar and i am in awe of her.

but, when its my turn- i have successfully convinced everyone that i am too tired to try.

and i was very tired. my legs were tooo tired.

but my boy is clingy and tired in my arms and we all kinda want to go home.


well, brianna looks me in the eyes and says "when will you have this opportunity again?!"

and what she is really saying with her eyes is "buck up bitch- get in the hoop." or at least thats what i see.

im not seeing an option to flake out.


i consider running.


but i have too much stuff.


so i hand over my now screaming child and i pick up the hoop, and i spin.

all i can hear is blazing fire whizzing past my head and cedric SCREAMING HIS HEAD OFF.

and i start to worry about cedric and to yell "this was a horrible idea you idiot" in my head.

and then i fall.

and i am mortified (and thrilled because, in truth, i love falling. it reminds me of being a kid and silly and i just find it hilarious.)

but soooooo mortified becasue every SAW.

and i still hear cedric screaming. and my whole body wants to run somewhere and cry.

and my pants keep falling down and i feel soooo bloated and gross.

and then i think. "when am i going to get this opportunity again?" and i see briannas stern mama face.


and i force myself back on my feet and back in the hoop. and i stop trying to look graceful and i just start trying to enjoy spinning fire around me.


because, honestly- the only ONLY reason i ever wanted to hoop was to be able to set it on fire.

i love fire. i love watching fire dancers,  and i have always always wanted to BE one.

so even though i dropped it a couple times, and contemplated stopping because my mama guilt was overloading my abilities to focus.


i kept going.

and when i stopped, and looked at the crowd of strangers clapping for me.....

i wanted to vomit.

i let people see me that night.

and in order to do what i had DREAMED of doing, i had to disengage my self worth from their exceptance of -and/or reaction to- ME. 

i had to just be me.


becasue you dont have time to worry about your crazy hair or your too large forehead or your hairy armpits or your damaged and loose muscles in your post 3 kid belly because of your diastasis that makes you look 3 months pregnant....



you are spinning FIRE around your body.

and for that next 3+ minutes- i actually couldnt hear ANY VOICES in my head at all.

but i did hear one voice rise up from the crowd-

keira's.

she was yelling "thats my MAMA! thats my MAMA!!! SHE IS SO COOL!"


and i felt better.


its strange...

i have taught my kids- and i preach to my kids-

"who CARES what people think of you?! there will laways always be people that will judge you or not like you or think you are weird! always! so just nevermind what anyone thinks of you and just BE YOU."


and, for the most part- i appear brave to them. i will throw myself into an awkward situation in a heartbeat to prove to my kids that they are perfect.

and when i was just talking to a friend that was afraid of something- i heard her words saying her programming outloud. in her moment of panic- her inner voices were being let out and it made me angry. because she is perfect and those words were not hers- and she didnt need to own them anymore because she was PERFECT.

but i also carry with me 31 years of programming that tells me im dumb, lazy, fat, and embarassing.


and when i am most afraid, those voices come out dressed up in my voice.

they play like my favourite song that i dont need to even hear to feel its beat and know the chorus.

and its takes the weight of an elephant* to beat it all down.


so this moment is being shared to remind all of us-

it isnt what we preach.


it isnt even what we do.

it m ost certainly isnt always what we say.


its whats inside.


its how we FEEL.


and if you dont FEEL good, right, perfect, smart, beautiful, funny, secure, happy, etc etc-

what are you flowing out of your pores?

so lets all agree to stop.

stop AND THEN-ING
["let me get to my goal weight/shape *and then* i will be happy, secure, outgoing, joyful." or "i need to move away from HERE *and then* ill make friends." or "i need to get a different job *and then* ill be confident" or "maybe i will become a buddhist and then i will feel better about myself" or or or ]


so right this second- everyone take a big old breath and lets just all be perfect now. how we are.


and FEEL that way.


or try.








*and this my friends is also my story of the elephant. and why i am obsessed. I was called the "elephant man" by my siblings. they made fun of my forehead and teased me and told me horrible things about myself. so someone, somewhere, in high school (i dont remember who, im bad with that- if it was you- remind me) so some one that loved me said "thats silly, elephants are beautiful, and loyal, and smart. and you know who an elephant is afraid of? no one."

ever since that is always in my head. and when i am nervous or scared. i imagine myself as big and brave as an elephant.

so as the universe would have it.


guess what present brianna gave me on sunday?


briannas gift

(and sorry about the link and not just posting the pic here- my internet is too slow for all that)

8 years *contains expletives*

happy anniversary jared.

i was going to just write your standard “happy anniversary! heres to 8years married and many more to come!”

but i didnt think that was fair. 

2012 has not been a friendly year to marriages. 

in the news, in my circle, in my general knowledge, in my own home- its been good to okay to mediocre to down right awful to divorces and splits and affairs and and and. 

so in light of how G*D DAMNED HARD 2012 has been, and its only been 2012 for 7 months....i thought my husband deserved more than some one stop shop of congratulatory loving. 

he deserved PUBLIC HONORING- but im not sooooo good at being "honorable"... here goes my best......

now, anyone that knows me, knows that i am **not** a “stay together for the kids” type person. 

i often say things like 

“life is tooo short to be miserable everyday”

or 

“you have to honor yourself and your needs”

and 

“there is someone for everyone, if you are both unhappy- free each other up to find their someone”

or 

"you must not know bout me, you must not know bout me......" [beyonce]

so theres that. 

I lay no judgment whatsoever on you or yours or what ever choices you make or dont. 

I have no dog in that race, i have no horse or cat or monkey in it either.... so really, let me just stop repeating awkward and corny quotes to prove to you how much this isnt about anything anyone does. 

This here is about jared and I.

When I cheated on jared, i was so ashamed, and so confused and sad and depressed, i kinda just wanted it all over. for him to hate me and leave me.

isnt that the way to end a relationship? isnt that what everyone says “i can forgive anything so long as you arent cheating on me”?!

well, except i really missed my husband. i really wanted to stay married.... maybe. 

honestly, we had only been married a little under two years and i really didnt know what i wanted or needed.

i thought i wanted someone who 

“gets me” 

“makes me laugh”

“is INTERESTED in what I am INTERESTED in”

“is exciting”

But one night i said “i just want us to be able to look at each other the way we used to, and now i have ruined it and you will never love me the same way again”

jared looked at me and said 

“you are right, i wont ever love you that way again, that way was new and exciting but its wasnt THIS. THIS is real. i will love you MORE. I will look at you with a different respect because we fought next to each other for US and we will make it through and KNOW that if we made it through the one unthinkable thing- we can do anything. we will be invincible.”

truth is, anyone can be exciting and new. 

anyone can be interested in you when they arent listening to you fart & snore at 3 am. ( or all fucking night long)

or wiping up your puke as you profess undying love after a long night at the pub.

or when they dont have to wake up and find that you didnt take the trash out AGAIN. every day for a month.

or when they dont have to worry about your bills, or your spending habis.... or your health......

i cant remember the person who said it, so help me out if you know this one, but jared says it allllll the time.

“the trick isnt being in love all the damned time. its making sure you dont BOTH fall out of love at the SAME TIME”

because lord knows jared and I didnt get to this point by being awesome partners. 

he is NOT the most perfect human ever. 

and I keep perfection at a healthy healthy HEALTHY distance. 

we are so imperfect, in fact, that i could fill ten more pages about how much i probably suck as a wife, and even more (or less) about jared.... depending on the day, though,  i could also sing us both a ton of mostly true, slightly exaggerated praises.... 

But that doesnt matter. 

truth is- none of any of it matters. 

he is my parnter in crime and combat. 

we’ve been through the trenches. 

ive carried him, he has carried me. 

we have brawled. danced. hooped together.

we have sang van morrison, NOFX and the cure together. 

he held me as i went all zen and goddess and  birthed olive into a pool of water in our kitchen, and again during cedrics birth, when i spewed bodily fluids & screamed like a 220pound banshee and shot my placenta into the mirror. 

we have made it through infidelity, the NAVY, job loss, suspended unemployment, selling his childhood home. living out of hotels and our minivan.

go pro (so far)

he held me when my best friend died suddenly in a car accident. 

i held him when his beloved grandmother passed away. 

we have rushed to the emergency room together with our bleeding kid. 

we have stayed up until sunrise with friends on the worst nights of their lives. 

we have held hands and kissed at the weddings of people who had no idea what they were getting into.

we have broken down on the side of the road. literally and figuratively. 

we have screamed at each other as pipes were breaking and water was spraying all over our home. then we laughed as we mopped it up together. (or as he mopped and i chugged wine.)

we have gambled and lost and gambled and won. 

the thing is, when i think of all the things we have done this past 8 years.... i just cant think of another person in the whole wide world that i want to do the next 8 years with. 

there is something that this therapist we went to made us do. 

i think it changed our course in this journey together. 

and so on this momentous day, i will share it with you.

First, she said  “there is no such thing as a knight in shining armor. there is no such thing as the perfect woman. when you feel like you hate each other, or that you cannot stand each other.  sit across from them, knees touching, hold each others hands, and look each other in the eyes. because its hard to say hurtful things to each other when you are touching.”

it sounded sooooooooooooo cheesy. 

but she made us do it, and when our knees touched, i was like “yeah stupidest thing EVERRRRR”  and when he grabbed my hands i was like “awkward and lame” but when we sat there, touching and holding hands and staring into each others eyes. I saw my someone. the same someone i found in a bar. the same someone i married in vegas with elvis. the same someone i moved cross country for. 

Right there where i had left him.

I still see you jared thomas inchiostro. 

i see you and i am soooooo thankful for your love.

i think instead of “til death do us part” we should say “no one left behind”

cuz this marriage shit is the craziest fucking thing i have ever done. 

Every day sets a new record and the only easy day was yesterday!