so sunday, was full of awesome.
starting at 3pm, i did thing after thing that i was fearful of.
i left my children! (for, like, almost 3 hours!!!!)
i paddleboarded!
i hooped on that board (in the water!!!! on a board!!!!)
then i went to a party on the beach full of people i didnt really know!
then i fire hooped.
and i fell.
and i will tell you now, that i was terrified. all day. all. damn. day.
i had broken out with a few hives before even leaving the house.
I went into autopilot when i left the kids. I was shaking, but i couldnt back out. I was choosing this day as THE day to take a plunge into LIFE.
to stop being a hermit.
to start trying to play with adults and not ONLY children.
so as the instructor started talking, i was dizzy, i thought i might puke.
"what if i fell in!?!"
"what if i look like an idiot?!"
"what if i cant do this?!"
"what if i am too fat?"
"what if i cant balance?!"
then i get on the board.
and i stand up.
and im okay.
and just like at the waterpark- when i ran around in a bathing suit all day without feeling self-concious- i worked and worked on my mind to stay calm and in the moment.
to quit telling me that i wasnt good enough.
to stop looking at all the bathing suit models i was with.
to stop comparing myself.
and i dont fall off the board.
and i like what im doing.
and im not afraid for my children.
and i barely care at all that i have left them because they are with their dad and im on a PADDLEBOARD!
and i feel alright.
and i feel good enough to hoop on that board and play around, and do some yoga poses and really FIND my balance.
and BALANCE is the theme of my life right now.....
so i coast on that adrenaline right up until the bonfire at the beach starts.
i dont feel brave anymore, i keep falling in the sand when i try and hoop becasue its really loose sand and because i am also quite clutzy.
I havent ever really hooped amongst hoopers before. especially not ones i didnt know.
I feel awkward and nervous. nervous that ill lose my kids, or that i am not being social enough, or that i am saying the wrong things. i feel like im not part of the group, that i shouldnt even BE here.
and then i kind of just get exhausted at being anxious. and then i get mad that i worry so much.
then i start to realize that i am only brave when i am alone. and i get sad.
so as the night winds down- shannon- the most fabulous newly 40 year young woman anywhere in the world- fire hoops for the first time.
she rocks it like a boss.
and she looks beautiful and graceful.
and i fill with joy for her.
and i clap and i hollar and i am in awe of her.
but, when its my turn- i have successfully convinced everyone that i am too tired to try.
and i was very tired. my legs were tooo tired.
but my boy is clingy and tired in my arms and we all kinda want to go home.
well, brianna looks me in the eyes and says "when will you have this opportunity again?!"
and what she is really saying with her eyes is "buck up bitch- get in the hoop." or at least thats what i see.
im not seeing an option to flake out.
i consider running.
but i have too much stuff.
so i hand over my now screaming child and i pick up the hoop, and i spin.
all i can hear is blazing fire whizzing past my head and cedric SCREAMING HIS HEAD OFF.
and i start to worry about cedric and to yell "this was a horrible idea you idiot" in my head.
and then i fall.
and i am mortified (and thrilled because, in truth, i love falling. it reminds me of being a kid and silly and i just find it hilarious.)
but soooooo mortified becasue every SAW.
and i still hear cedric screaming. and my whole body wants to run somewhere and cry.
and my pants keep falling down and i feel soooo bloated and gross.
and then i think. "when am i going to get this opportunity again?" and i see briannas stern mama face.
and i force myself back on my feet and back in the hoop. and i stop trying to look graceful and i just start trying to enjoy spinning fire around me.
because, honestly- the only ONLY reason i ever wanted to hoop was to be able to set it on fire.
i love fire. i love watching fire dancers, and i have always always wanted to BE one.
so even though i dropped it a couple times, and contemplated stopping because my mama guilt was overloading my abilities to focus.
i kept going.
and when i stopped, and looked at the crowd of strangers clapping for me.....
i wanted to vomit.
i let people see me that night.
and in order to do what i had DREAMED of doing, i had to disengage my self worth from their exceptance of -and/or reaction to- ME.
i had to just be me.
becasue you dont have time to worry about your crazy hair or your too large forehead or your hairy armpits or your damaged and loose muscles in your post 3 kid belly because of your diastasis that makes you look 3 months pregnant....
you are spinning FIRE around your body.
and for that next 3+ minutes- i actually couldnt hear ANY VOICES in my head at all.
but i did hear one voice rise up from the crowd-
keira's.
she was yelling "thats my MAMA! thats my MAMA!!! SHE IS SO COOL!"
and i felt better.
its strange...
i have taught my kids- and i preach to my kids-
"who CARES what people think of you?! there will laways always be people that will judge you or not like you or think you are weird! always! so just nevermind what anyone thinks of you and just BE YOU."
and, for the most part- i appear brave to them. i will throw myself into an awkward situation in a heartbeat to prove to my kids that they are perfect.
and when i was just talking to a friend that was afraid of something- i heard her words saying her programming outloud. in her moment of panic- her inner voices were being let out and it made me angry. because she is perfect and
those words were not hers- and she didnt need to own them anymore because she was PERFECT.
but i also carry with me 31 years of programming that tells me im dumb, lazy, fat, and embarassing.
and when i am most afraid, those voices come out dressed up in my voice.
they play like my favourite song that i dont need to even hear to feel its beat and know the chorus.
and its takes the weight of an elephant* to beat it all down.
so this moment is being shared to remind all of us-
it isnt what we
preach.
it isnt even what we
do.
it m ost certainly isnt always what we
say.
its whats inside.
its how we FEEL.
and if you dont FEEL good, right, perfect, smart, beautiful, funny, secure, happy, etc etc-
what are you flowing out of your pores?
so lets all agree to stop.
stop AND THEN-ING
["
let me get to my goal weight/shape *and then* i will be happy, secure, outgoing, joyful." or "i need to move away from HERE *and then* ill make friends." or "i need to get a different job *and then* ill be confident" or "maybe i will become a buddhist and then i will feel better about myself" or or or ]
so right this second- everyone take a big old breath and lets just all be perfect now. how we are.
and FEEL that way.
or try.
*and this my friends is also my story of the elephant. and why i am obsessed. I was called the "elephant man" by my siblings. they made fun of my forehead and teased me and told me horrible things about myself. so someone, somewhere, in high school (i dont remember who, im bad with that- if it was you- remind me) so some one that loved me said "thats silly, elephants are beautiful, and loyal, and smart. and you know who an elephant is afraid of? no one."
ever since that is always in my head. and when i am nervous or scared. i imagine myself as big and brave as an elephant.
so as the universe would have it.
guess what present brianna gave me on sunday?
briannas gift
(and sorry about the link and not just posting the pic here- my internet is too slow for all that)
